06/09/2026
20yrs without you Dad x
If I could sit beside you today there is so much I would want to say & so much I would say thank you for.
All who knew you know you were a tough man, a man of very few words but when you spoke, we listened. Your silence often held something deep. You weren’t one for shouting from the sidelines but I would often see you when I was doing things, you’d be quietly watching.
You showed love differently, while you weren’t overly affectionate or expressive, you were consistent. Everything ran like clockwork & that consistency brought me comfort because I knew I could rely on you. You weren’t always easy to talk to but when you gave, you gave without conditions or expectation.
When I became a mum our relationship became even more strained. I was navigating my own mental health, carrying things I didn’t always understand myself & for many years we butted heads. I was angry, hurt & I convinced myself that your silence meant you didn’t love me. With the wisdom I have now, I can see that perhaps you simply didn’t have the tools or the language. You came from a generation where men often showed love by providing, protecting rather than talking about what was happening beneath the surface. Becoming a mum has helped me understand that you could love me deeply & still get things wrong. I wish I had known that then.
If I could tell you about my life now, I’d tell you I became a grandmother, about the love I feel holding my mokopuna, about the man who loves me now & about the purpose I’ve found through my art. I wish you could walk into my studio & sit nearby while I paint. Maybe you wouldn’t say much, maybe you’d just watch like you always did. And I think I’d understand that silence differently now.
Dad, I miss you more than words can hold. I love you & I wish more than anything you were here but with grief I’ve learnt to hold my love for you differently, & to feel you near me more now than when you were here.
Love you all the Stars in the Sky, see you in my dreams x
