01/26/2021
Not too long ago, I made a vision board. I included many pictures of things I wanted to incorporate into my life, whether they be quotes of my own or someone famous, or simply a picture that spoke a thousand words. One picture was of a woman’s hands cradling a child’s hands as they worked a pottery wheel together. A friend asked me what that picture meant for me, for my vision board. I told her that I wanted to create things that embodied love, and I wanted to feel like Norah was helping me. I’m not sure I fully knew what that meant or what that would feel like, at the time.
See, once I got through the early days of not being able to leave the house, not being able to eat, not being able to be alone but incapable of being in public, just all of the absolute agony that came with those first few months, I moved into a stage of avoidance. That lasted quite a while. And then there was a deep, deep depression. I thought about ending things.. a lot actually. I thought about how I would do it, how I would make sure Brady was taken care of. I thought about what I would say to what little family and friends I seemed to have left. I thought about it almost daily. I began to hate myself for being so “pathetic” and “selfish.” I hated the fact that I couldn’t get my s**t together and just live like a normal person. Because the thing was, I wasn’t a normal person. In my eyes, I was a woman who had failed at being a mother and had nothing to show for it. A woman who had failed at an engagement and, again, had nothing to show for it. I wallowed in all of this pain and self pity until slowly, I started to see a bigger picture.
And I can’t tell you that something magical happened or that I had some sort of an epiphany. All I can say is that once I let myself truly feel everything, every ounce of pain that I had been living with, I started to realize it had to get better. It just had to! I mean, there had to be something I could do to make this seemingly hell-ish life a little brighter. So there it was, the invitation to accept a new role as Norah’s mama.
This role is not as the mother that kisses her daughter goodnight, as much as I long for that. This role is beyond time and space, it is beyond the physical realm. I always knew my little monkey would help me create things, I suppose I just didn’t realize she would be doing so in spirit. Now as I sit here, making candles and even writing this, I know my sweet angel is guiding me through all of it. I’m not sure what this life is all about, but I am absolutely sure that I am Norah’s earthly tool with which she spreads her love and light. And I am so happy to have this role as her mama. ✨💚✨
