The Ramblings of a Flower

25/08/2021

So today marks the first year without Dad. I’m not sure what I’ve been feeling today and that has me a little confused. I do know that I can deal with those feelings and if I can’t, I can ask for help.

This morning I read some of the comments from Mums post which let everyone know that you had passed away which had tears running down my face, to remember how much love and support we received made my heart swell and for that love and support I am forever grateful.

Some of you are aware that in April I came so close to having a mental breakdown but following a conversation with the hubby I managed to ask for help through this page. Through work, St Barnabas Lincolnshire Hospice, I was able to have sessions with a counsellor which helped me so much. I’m never going to be fixed but I am in a much better place now. As part of my sessions, I decided to write a letter to Dad and I would like to share it today.

It is quite long so I will post it in the comments as I can't figure out how to attach it as a document!

11/07/2021

Today should have been your 67th birthday. We spent it as a family – Mum, Nan, Me, Mark, Lili, Pops and James (Lisa was out walking but got a takeaway roast dinner and pudding!) - enjoying a roast beef dinner and each other’s company.

It was so nice having dinner together and just chatting. Nan loved having a roast dinner, saying it was loads better than some of the premade meals she has at home. I think she loved spending time here today and getting away from some of the loneliness of home and seeing the girls, as she hasn’t seen them in person for, I don’t know how long.

This week I have struggled, worrying about how I would feel and cope today, I was sure I would fall apart and spend most of the day crying, but I didn’t which has surprised me. Today seems to bring such an end to your passing, it proves that you won’t get any older, see the girls get married and have children of their own, but I know you are always with us in spirit.

So happy birthday Dad love us xx

19/05/2021

My aunt sent me the book The boy, the mole, the fox and the horse. I've found a few pages that have resonated with me and this is the first. It couldn't be truer, asking for help is possibly the hardest thing to do, but it is definitely the bravest thing to say.

I couldn't verbalise my 'help' but I managed to get my help down on virtual paper and was given the support to get that help and for that I am thankful x

28/04/2021

Since my last post I feel that I have taken a few steps forward and maybe a couple of steps back. I've also come to realise that I find it easier to put my thoughts down on 'paper' than speak them out load and remove my 'mask'.

It started with my boss seeing my post and us sitting down, socially distanced of course, and having a chat. She suggested that I speak to one of our counsellors. I’m not sure why I hadn’t thought about that myself, as I had previously spoken to one after being told that nothing more could be done for Dad. So that meeting is in the pipeline and although I’m a little nervous about it, I know deep down that it will do me good to talk about everything.

I also took all my work equipment back to the office and will only bring home what I need to when I work from home. I also got told off by my work buddy as I hadn’t spoken to her about how I was feeling, so we have now made a promise to both be in the office on a Friday so that we have that face to face contact.

I recently had some blood tests done and the results are back, and I have been diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. I currently don’t need to be on medication or monitor my blood sugar level, my plan following talks with my Doctor is to try and reverse this as much as I can. So that means a healthier diet, exercise and try and lose weight with my bloods being tested again in 6 months. I know I’m going to struggle with this, as I have a sweet tooth, but have decided that small changes over a longer period of time will work best for me. I’m looking forward to better weather so that I can get out on my bike and maybe go for some brisk walks, without Roxy sniffing at something every 5 yards!

Thank you for your support and I’m hear if you need to talk no matter what I’m going through xx

21/04/2021

I know it’s been a while since I last posted a ‘me’ post, but sometimes everyday life gets in the way and other days you just don’t know how to express what your feeling.

Over the last few weeks I’ve started to struggle mentally, I’m just surprised that it hadn’t started to happen sooner with everything I have been through in the last year both at work and in my personal life. I’ve been working from home now for over a year, with the odd day in the office. I’ve made an office workspace in an area in the dining room where I usually spend some of my free time crafting and where my family can wonder through at any time. I’ve come to realise that I’m not shutting off from work and that needs to change sooner rather than later. I need to find my work/life balance again.

Whilst walking Roxy with the Hubby this afternoon he told me that he had spoken to his Mum yesterday about how he had noticed that I am struggling and what we can do as a couple to support me. I felt a little overwhelmed at that point and am surprised I didn’t burst out crying in the middle of the village. I always joke to him that he has the emotional range of a teaspoon – this is my favourite line from Harry Potter and so for him to start that conversation meant the world to me.

I’m not sure where I go from here, but I know that the hubby and my family are by my side giving me the love and support I need, and I can’t ask more from him than that.

Apologies that it's a long post tonight, I am planning on getting better and getting my words and feelings out in to the world around me.

03/04/2021

19/11/2020

Just watched Mcfly:All about us, I may have had a few tears when it touched on Dougies additiction and all of their mental health. The fact that they were/are there for each other is fantastic. This song touched my heart and has some great lyrics.

Just so you know no matter what I am here for you when you need to talk xx

The official video for Tonight Is The Night by McFly. Taken from the new album Young Dumb Thrills, out 16th Nov. Pre-order now: https://McFly.lnk.to/Thrillsy...

11/10/2020

So today I have finally hit the 100km target I had for the challenge for St Barnabas Hospice. I signed up for this within a couple of weeks of us being told that Dad was on end of life care.

I can't say for certainty why I signed up for this but I think it was because it was something I could control. I could control whether or not I completed the challenge and I did finally!!

Looking back I did the same thing 14 years ago when I was first diagnosed with post-natal depression. I dropped my daughter at her childminders, got on my bike and pedalled into Lincoln via the cycle path. I could control if I got there and I did, the only problem I had was not wanting to pedal home!

Luckily at the time dad was working on a project near the castle that meant I had to push my bike up Steep Hill to get a lift home!! He treated me to dinner and then brought me home no questions asked.

So maybe that's why I signed up. I'll never be the fastest cyclist but if it helps me keep fit both physically and mentally then I'll use it. Although I have to admit I am a fair weather cyclist so maybe today was my last ride until the weather is warmer next year.

28/09/2020

This is where the idea for The Ramblings of a Flower started.

I apologise if this makes you tear up or cry, I don't normally share about my mental health but this is something that I have felt strongly about all day xx

Over this last week I have been doubting that I was strong enough to get through yesterday. Thinking about it today I realise that I was. I have gotten through each day since Dad was put on end of life care. I was strong enough to visit him in the home towards the end and I was strong enough to sit with him after he had died. So I got through yesterday whilst supporting my Mum as we said farewell to Dad.

I have suffered with depression on and off over the years and if I'm honest I have felt mentally drained for a while now, but I know that it is okay to feel this way and that I have a great support network around me.

I want to thank my husband for being the shoulder I lean on and for the support he has given me, our girls and our family over the last few months - I couldn't do this without your support xx