18/03/2026
First radiotherapy session today… and honestly, I nearly didn’t go in.
I was absolutely sh*t-bricking myself.
It’s been such a long, delayed wait with all the post-surgery complications, which hasn’t helped the overthinking. And there’s that added pressure that it needs to happen within a certain window after surgery to actually do its job - get anything lingering and reduce the risk of it coming back.
The bit that’s really freaked me out is that it’s on my left side. This means there can be a risk to the heart, so they use this breath-hold technique - short bursts while you hold your breath for about 20 seconds. They practise it with you… but I’ve had far too long to sit and stare at that risk form and wind myself up.
The team at were amazing of course. Calm, kind, completely on it. Properly reassuring.
I wore my sparkly trainers, did my usual ADHD thing - talking too fast, telling everyone they were brilliant, swearing too much, trying to make them laugh (and myself).
Lying there doing the breath holds… I pictured myself back in Costa Rica, under the water, watching manta rays. No idea why, but it worked. Got me through it.
Then I came out, saw Alb, walked up the stairs… and my legs just went. And I sobbed.
It’s mad what you can hold together until you don’t. Not sure I actually fooled anyone.
Tomorrow my lovely brother is taking me… although wasn’t massively reassured when I sent him photo number 3 here and he said I looked like I’d had electroshock therapy 🙄
He’s a vet for FFS - bedside manner could use some work.
Tomorrow will be easier. One done.
There isn’t a right way to do this. However you’re getting through it is enough.
If you’re in this too - sending so so much love. ###
And f**k cancer.
**kcancer