30/03/2024
Free ❤️
I have walked on your eggshells,
until my feet calloused over.
I have felt my entire body tighten,
as your car pulled into the driveway.
I have felt your eyes,
searing hot hate,
into the back of my head.
I have felt the sound of your teeth,
clenching tightly together,
as you put the car in drive,
to take us somewhere you did not want to go.
I have watched the smile fade from your face,
once your condescending joke fell flat,
and your point sucked the air out of the room.
I have felt the panic and discomfort
of entering a social situation,
where another man would recognize me.
And I have listened,
to the mocking and harassment that followed
if God forbid, he said hello.
I have felt the consequences of being:
too friendly
too smiley
too awkward
too talkative
too quiet
too opinionated
too loud
too much
too…me
I have listened to your passive aggressive sighs,
when I've forgotten to close the garage door until it clicks.
I have listened to your passive aggressive laugh,
when my anxious brain,
fumbled on my words.
I have watched your,
now turned cold, ocean blue eyes
roll into the back of your head,
after I voiced my opinion
on something we did not agree on.
I have felt the loneliness
of crying my eyes out in front of you,
while you stared past me at the TV
as though I were invisible.
I have worn the misplaced bruises of your aggression,
though they've long since left my skin.
I have watched my spirit
slip from my fingertips,
and my physical body give up all hope.
I have watched you battle your self-loathing,
and project it onto me.
I have begged and bartered for your wellness
I have pleaded for your humility
I have let go of the future fantasy,
and the toxic “love” we shared.
I have witnessed myself growing stronger,
and have learned the power of my love.
I have felt peace return inside of these walls,
and I have dried the tears off all these cheeks.
I have swept your eggshells off the floor,
and put the smile back on my face.
I have cranked the volume on all my,
“stupid love songs”
and then we danced until we were dizzy.
I have learned to take deep, healing breaths
then release them so slowly,
to feel my heart beating, freely.
I have watched my spirit return to me,
slowly
through grueling, challenging work,
and self-love.
I have stared at these sorrowful eyes
in my reflection,
and apologized to the little girl inside
for not learning how to love her
all those years ago.
I have crawled,
clawed,
scratched,
kicked,
screamed,
and picked my ass up off the floor
more times than I can count.
I have grown
I have loved
I have broken and mended again
I have fought so damn hard
to forgive you
to forgive me
I will never forget
but I am no longer afraid
I am free
free to be, me
