05/01/2026
It’s hard to believe it’s been a whole week since I last felt you move inside of me💔👣 We had a normal , beautiful day. Spent time playing outside in the sun, enjoyed our normal Thursday treat at Forry’s, all while feeling your sweet little kicks. I closed my eyes for the night, to wake up the following morning never to feel that again. You were here with us one day, full of life, and simply gone the next. All with no warning and no signs. Just overnight while I slept, Jesus chose to call you home to Him🪽
I’m still struggling with the “why”. That may never be revealed to me, which makes me frustrated and hurts. Why He let me carry your sweet soul for 32 weeks to never meet you, especially after all of the loss we’ve already endured as parents.
But one thing is certain- and that is my trust in Him. I know I serve a GOOD God. People may look at this situation and question how we could possibly serve a loving God if He allows this kind of pain? But listen, I’ve witnessed His faithfulness over and over again- my 3 year old son being a living, breathing testimony to this-and I have no doubt that He will bless our family again with beauty from ashes🌹
Nothing will ever fill this hole in my heart for our son. I will carry this grief for the rest of my life until I return home to hold him. But, I’m finding some peace and comfort in the fact that God knows more than I do and He does not make mistakes. There may have been more to Collin’s condition than we know, and we’re still waiting for any answers that we can possibly get as to what caused this. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter because I can confidently say He’s in the arms of Jesus, this I know. God gave me the gift of peace and closure during my time under sedation (more to come on this experience).
This past week has been a nightmare I never thought I would live. But by the grace of God, we’ve been continuously covered by divine peace and carried by God’s strength✝️🤍
Time will keep passing by. The world will continue on, but you will forever be our sweet baby boy, Collin James🕊️🩵
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