10/05/2024
Grief is a chasm. An unyielding press of hurt and loss. It sucks the color from the world and crushes creativity. And the more you love, the harder you grieve.
In May, my heart dog Grendel was diagnosed with lung cancer. At 12½ years old, it didn't seem fair or right to try aggressive treatment. We gave him the best few weeks we could, treated the symptoms, and when we couldn't keep him comfortable anymore, we held him in our arms as he left this world. To say I have been devastated since we first heard his diagnosis is an understatement. Losing Gren has been one of the most profoundly painful experiences of my life.
Two months after Grendel passed, we lost his bonded brother Beowulf. My sweet tripod doodle was 14, and the illness an arthritis that plague old souls progressed beyond modern medicine's ability to fight them. He went to be with Gren on the 20th of September, knowing he was loved through his last beautiful moment. And the grief that began in May when I knew the time was growing small for Grendel flourished and tangled within my soul as Bagel slipped peacefully away.
The past 14 years, these two wonderful boys were by my side, the witnesses and loving companions of the hardest and most beautiful moments in my life.
The world is quieter, duller without them now.
As an artist, I find myself most creative when drawing on joy or curiosity. Grief has dampened that for me this year, and finding a way to navigate the pain and find the excitement to create has been profoundly difficult. But I am trying. I am allowing myself to feel the loss of my boys, and heal beyond their absence. To see color and beauty in a world a little less bright than the one where they were by my side.
Thank you to all of you who have reached out and reminded me that art can be an expression of all emotions, not just the light ones. I hope to feel the spark of inspiration and artistic expression again soon.
In the meantime, hug your babies close. Say hi to Beowulf and Grendel for me if you think of them. And know that I will be back to work soon.
Forever grateful,
Bren