11/10/2026
I'm back home at the huiswinkel in . The garden at Hallo Dolly 's Doll House is in full bloom.
It really is the first time I've had a real garden. It was never important to me. I didn't really care about having a garden. And now, I have looked after and taken care of it as well as I know how, and in turn, it is taking care of my soul. Of me.
Timing in life is everything.
It was an ugly garden for many years. I didn't like it. There were plants that I didn't plant. The layout wasn't what I wanted. But I didn't know what I wanted, so it didn't matter anyway.
It was never mine because I didn't take ownership. And then, about one year and a bit ago, I removed everything I didn't like. I made massive changes. Mentally. And in one go. I set the changes in motion. Bit by bit. And I changed a few things and maintained. Bit by bit. I asked for help and a lady came in with her team and together we worked on this garden. Because that was what I had the capacity to do. And I made a point of caring. I took ownership. I decided. I got a grip. I changed my environment.
The plants are grateful, so are the heavens., and so am I.
Today I also read something I wrote in 2014. When my life very suddenly, violently, mercilessly and traumatically changed at the hands of one person. I wrote... I have 2 hobbies that have "saved my life". One of them was gardening. I know it wasn't real gardening. But I do remember spending an entire day in my courtyard (the small section behind my garage which at the time was my garage and not huiswinkel yet). I was there from sunrise, before 06:00 on a weekend until 15:30, digging and digging some more. I didn't have real garden tools so I used a small spade. Cutting little bits of plants, trimming, planting and moving plants around. All while crying.
Weeping. I couldn't even talk. I xould hardly breathe. For months I was like this. I tried so hard to keep my pose. Jis. It was a terrible, terrible, very difficult time for me. I swear to you, I don't know how I even was alive then. Thinking of it now makes me sad and I cannot go back to that space. For years I never mentioned anything to anybody. Not a word. I couldn't. And I still don't want to. Because I cannot. I still cannot and will not tell that story brcaudr that is what I choose. There are some secrets we can never tell. Maybe we all have them?
It wasn't "gardening", though at the time, to me, gardening meant spending time in the garden, alone, touching the plants and feeling the earth and moving ground and little stones around. Begging and pleading for relief from pain and loneliness. I was barely coping. But at least I was outside.
Things happen. Good things. And bad things. To all of us. All of us. And we get through them. We must. And we do. We do. We do.
I won't swap my things for your things. Never. As difficult as my things have been. We all have things. I am grateful for my things.
And one day, years later, life is okay again. It's been okay all along. Even though I too was n neglected defesseless garden for some of my life. It was just a while. A deep dark while, which is gone now.
And the sun came up. And shone. And the rain came down and nourished.
It's the balance of life.
Suddenly there are flowers, new leaves, fruits on the branches and the grass is green and lush. There are plums and hundreds of mulberries. Everything feels green and new. Colour is on the tips of branches and in the sky. There's life in the trees and the birds have built new nests and new baby birds have arrived too. The sounds are incredible each morning and daytime too. Nights are warm and balmy.
Life is cruel sometimes. And other times life is beautiful. We give, we receieve. We put in, we get out. We work hard at things, and great rewards are the result. Not always immediately, but one day somewherealong the line. Suddenly. Everything falls into place.
I garden my garden and I garden my soul, because now I know how. I give my garden the gift of my love and I give myself the gift of my love. And the reward of "looking after" is worth it.
Love is always the answer.
